5 Tips for How to Approach a Blagojevich in the Wild

By Machine Staff

The unthinkable has happened, and a creature once thought to remain captive for at least another 5 years has finally been released: the rare Serbian Blagojevich. Do not fret, however, for the Blagojevich may be very friendly, despite its distance from civilization for all those years. Follow these tips from the Machine, and you might even be able to snag a photo with it!

1. Wear protective gloves if you'd like a chance to feel its glorious mane of thick silver hair

The Blagojevich was always identified by political scientists for its luscious, suave head of black hair. Because of all of the time it spent in captivity, the locks have changed color, but lost none of their volume. Nevertheless, there is no way it would let you near without your hands protected.

2. Bring a small ziplock of bugs to feed its wife

During the Blagojevich's years in Colorado, its wife, Patti, could often be found consuming insects in order to remind people that its arrival could happen at any moment. If you see the Blagojevich walking down the streets of Ravenswood, it'd likely be with Patti, so feeding her the bugs would help gain her trust, and she'd happily introduce you.

3. If you sense aggression, pretend that you're Interested in purchasing a senate seat.

While tame and crafty during his pre-captivity years, we don’t know how aggressive it will now be, especially idly stepping down the sidewalk. We do know, however, that if the Blagojevich loves anything as much as its hair, it's a spicy deal. If you feel threatened; make sure to break out your checkbook and start talking about how convenient it would be if a few million dollars appeared in its bank account at the same time that you joined the Senate. Once it is distracted by a potential negotiation, make a run for it.

4. Look out for its distinct mating call, "MagaMaga!"

We heard it first during his press conference Tuesday after being released. When the Blagojevich decides it is time to mate, it will puff out its chest, fluff up its hair, and in a very shrill high pitch, repeat the word, "magamaga." Scientists have yet to determine what this means.

5. Grab it and scream, “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden...I’m not just giving it up for fucking nothing!”

Then, before it can strike back, stick him with a tranquilizer dart and send it to the White House!