Joel Murray Added as 5th Star on Chicago Flag

By Alex Peters

CHICAGO, IL - Mayor Lori Lightfoot has announced today that the City of Chicago will be adding local actor/comedian Joel Murray as the newest star on its flag.

"The stars on Chicago's beautiful flag represent seminal moments in the history of our wonderful city. Fort Dearborn was founded in the cold wilderness. The Great Chicago Fire forced us to rebuild stronger, and created our trademark resilience. The 1893 World's Fair brought us our Ferris Wheel. And the 1933 World's Fair also apparently happened." said Lori Lightfoot during the press conference. She continued, “However, Joel Murray’s existence has been more significant of all of them for this great city, and he should be honored accordingly.”

While the decision has been met with support, some people believe that the 5th star should have actually Joel’s more well known brother Bill, or the most talented Murray brother, Brian Doyle. However, Mayor Lightfoot doubled-down on the decision, stating that, “Joel, more than all the other Murray Brothers, best represents the city’s blue collar working class spirit.”

The press conference was concluded by an unveiling of the first ever new edition of the flag. This will be flown over Daley Plaza, and will feature a plaque, reading, "Favorite son of Wilmette (Which is technically Evanston, which is technically Chicago). Chicago may not have the fame of New York, or the wealth of talent in L.A.… but Chicago 'Does The Work.' Then, when we’re done, Chicago sees you at the local dive bar for some beers and a couple two tree shots.

At press time, Joel was pulling a jersey over the head of a Cardinals fan, hockey style, and giving him a pink belly.