Suburban Dad Attempting to Replace Family with Members of 2021 Bears’ Rookie Class

By Jeremy Drazner

Photo Credit: Nick Horowitz

CHICAGO, IL - Buffalo Grove, IL-  Following the Chicago Bears’ widely praised 2021 draft, Buffalo Grove man Brian Katz has reportedly begun to replace his family with members of the team’s rookie class.

“I told my wife and kids that this is the best day of my life,” said Brian Katz. As a lifelong Bears fan, the father of two said that this past draft was the first time since 1985 that he has felt complete inner fulfillment.

Brian told reporters that he has begun the process of renaming his sons, Walter and Payton, to Justin and Fields. He even went so far as to photoshop his wedding picture to replace his wife’s face with that of rookie lineman Teven Jenkins.

When asked about this decision he said, “I considered using Justin Fields’ face, but I view my wife as the protector of our family, just like an offensive lineman. I played some football myself, so I should know.” After some investigating, it was discovered that Katz was a third string quarterback who had to stop playing after his Sophomore season due to a mild case of tennis elbow.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep up!” said his wife, Katy. “We’ve been married for 20 years, but I can’t run a 4.4 40, I don’t know the technique to stop an elite linebacker’s bull rush, and I can’t even distinguish between man and zone coverage within 3 seconds of the snap! I just feel like I can’t compete with his new loves.”

Over the next few days Katz has tweeted to the Bears 87 times to see how he can help the players transition to the NFL. He told reporters that he is willing to do anything to win another Super Bowl, or release a little more serotonin that he wasn’t able to get as a little league baseball coach.