Cubs Trade Away Your Happiness, Childhood Memories, and Last Thing You Could Talk About with Your Dad

By Lexington Concord Jr.

CHICAGO, IL - Looking to clear space on their roster and prepare for a rebuild, the Chicago Cubs traded your only source of happiness, nostalgia, and family connection to a smattering of NL teams for mid-tier prospects and grizzled has-beens.

“The financial reality is that we must rebuild if we’re going to be competitive a long time from now when you’re elderly and no longer care,” said Cubs president of baseball operations Jed Hoyer.  “Your cherished remembrances, days in the sunshine, and the North Side’s warm sense of community, all are valuable assets in today’s league.”

Shortly after his statement, Hoyer announced that your memories of playing catch with Granddad, who died in ‘14 before seeing the Cubbies win it all, will be traded to St. Louis for a 37-year-old utility infielder who hits .210.  

Baseball Prospectus projects the Cubs to finish 4th in the division this and every year until long after you’re a joyless, withered husk of a person. 

Speaking to the media via Zoom, Chairman Tom Ricketts made it clear he had given Hoyer the green light to keep dealing.

“We might sell the scoreboard too, for valuable scrap metal,” added Ricketts.