Fauci Praises Bulls for Horrible Performance, Avoidance of Restarted Season

By Mitchell Trachtenberg

CHICAGO, IL - On Saturday, NIAID Director Anthony Fauci praised the 2019-20 Chicago Bulls’ incompetence, as it would lead them to avoid the dangerous season restart in Florida.

“What Head Coach Jim Boylen accomplished this season was nothing short of incredible. Thoughtless time-outs and personnel decisions are one thing, but his defensive strategy almost seemed to encourage social distancing,” Fauci stated. “His players ought to be kissing his feet for saving them from a potential disaster in Florida.”

Boylen was honored by Fauci’s statement, responding, “The Chicago Bulls are a family, and we have to come out here and protect each other. As cases piled up around the world this winter, I knew it was my responsibility to make sure we were so far out of playoff contention, that any dangerous plans to return to a potentially interrupted season would not include us.”

Boylen later confirmed that he plans on keeping the Bulls out of playoff contention for the foreseeable future, for the sake of public health.