Wrigley Field Reveals Round-the-Block Pee Trough to Help with Social Distancing

By Stuart Allard and John Mobley

CHICAGO, IL - With COVID protocols only easing slightly, the Ricketts family and Cubs management announced that they were expanding pee troughs to outside the stadium and throughout the Wrigleyville neighborhood.

“The coronavirus is not going away overnight. We’re well aware of that,” said chairman Tom Ricketts. “However, we are a business and the Cubs are a family at heart. Anyone using the men’s restrooms will find expanded pee-pee service that encompasses the area directly surrounding the Friendly Confines.”

This system of pee troughs, believed to be the largest of its kind in the world, was constructed during the 2020-21 offseason. It starts at the first base concourse, and spreads to both upper and lower decks, the bleachers, Waveland Avenue, Sheffield Avenue, Addison Street, and Clark Street.

“We know we just finished renovating Wrigley in 2017, but COVID has altered our lives in nearly every way. It’s ridiculous to not allow our loyal fans into the stadium, let alone the men’s room.”

Anyone that tries to sneak into the ballpark via piss trough will be escorted from the premises and charged with misdemeanor trespassing.

"We know men are accustomed to this ritual bathroom exposure, but allowing them to partake within the Friendly Confines itself will have to wait."

Ricketts also announced that the women’s restrooms will now have toilet paper.

For more reporting from Stuart, check out his national news coverage at Just Stu News