NHL Referees Rush to United Center After Realizing They Forgot Brandon Saad in Penalty Box

By Ryan McGinnis

CHICAGO, IL - Flustered and embarrassed, NHL referees Wes McCauley and Marc Joannette rushed back to the United Center after realizing they forgot Brandon Saad in the penalty box before the season was suspended. Head referee Wes McCauley could not believe he had absentmindedly let the penalized Blackhawks winger languish in the frigid sin bin for weeks.

“I was sitting at home, and couldn’t shake the feeling that I was forgetting something important. So, I went through my checklist. Car keys? Check. Oven off? Check. Penalty box empty? Ooops.”

Director of Officiating Stephen Walkom apologized for the oversight.

“This is the worst time an official has screwed over the Blackhawks since I reffed Game 7 against Detroit. Sorry, Hjalmarsson.”

The Blackhawks’ locker room fumed at the flagrant miscarriage of justice. “It’s absolutely unacceptable that they just left Saader in there,” said superstar winger Patrick Kane. “Sure, he’s not as popular as Tazer, or Duncs, or me, or Crow, or Seabs, or the Cat, but...he’s...uh, what was my point again?”

At first, Saad did not react well to his new icy abode.

“I screamed for help, and banged on the glass with my stick. After a while I got so lonely, I named a puck Wilson.”

Eventually, he warmed up to his plexiglass prison, spending his frozen isolation doing his taxes and watching some Netflix.

“It was ideal for quarantine. Pretty roomy without the officials in there, and the WiFi connection is surprisingly strong. I will kind of miss it.” He continued, “Who knows, I might cross-check and slash a little more next season.”

Prodded by an angry NHL Players’ Association, Commissioner Gary Bettman combed through the rulebook and confirmed that, “30,000 minutes for high sticking,” is not an actual penalty. He promised restitution.

“A month-long power play once play resumes seems fair.”