Frustrated Pritzker Donates Masks Made from His Used Patagonia Collection

By Mark Rosenthal

SPRINGFIELD, IL - With PPE supplies dwindling, and the CDC weighing stricter safety guidelines, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker announced today he will be donating 10,000 face masks made from his surplus of used Patagonia vests. 

“This is an unprecedented situation we find ourselves in, and since I only wear these vests once before I toss them in the Vest Pit, it was the least I could do,” said Governor Pritzker, as he adjusted his rhodium-plated face mask. He continued, “All around the country, ordinary citizens are pitching in and making masks for our essential workforce. I’m just trying to do my part by having my household staff fashion my very expensive used vests into protective masks. Logo intact of course.”

The COVID-19 pandemic has led to an extreme shortage in PPE such as masks, gloves, and face shields. Governor Pritzker’s donation is part of a larger grassroots effort to help combat this deficit. Homemade masks are being made from all manner of goods, including REI fleece vests and Carhartt fleece vests. 

While much of the response to Governor Pritzker’s donation has been positive, some high profile members of the healthcare industry have expressed serious reservations, and advised he steer clear of manufacturing. 

“While we appreciate the governor’s intent, the fact of the matter is these Patagonia vests make for terrible personal protective equipment,” said Lisa Powell, director of the UIC Prevention Research Center.  “Did he even wash these things? I'm pretty sure this is a giardiniera stain,” she said holding one of the masks. 

At press time, Governor Pritzker agreed to keep his focus on policymaking, and leave his weird Vest Pit alone.