In Lieu of Crosstown Classic, Barrett and Pierzynski to Fight at State and Madison

By Mitchell Trachtenberg

At the crack of dawn on Thursday, Michael Barrett and AJ Pierzynski will relieve a baseball-less city by beating the living shit out of each other at the corner of State and Madison.

“The more time that passes, the less likely it appears that we’ll have baseball this season, let alone asses in seats,” said Pierzynski. “So, Barrett and I think squaring up at the crack of dawn at the North-South division of Chicago for a bare knuckle ass-whooping would be a good way to bring people some peace.”

Though, it appears Michael Barrett’s agreement to fight has more to do with what he considers to be unfinished business.

“I wasn’t even close to the fucking ball! That piece of shit Pierzynski just wanted to get an easy shot,” he yelled, referring to the 2006 bench-clearing brawl. “To this day, I can’t believe that fuckface stayed on his feet after my jab. Knocking him out cold would have been the highlight of my career.”

The fight is scheduled to take place on Thursday, June 24th. Crowds will be discouraged from gathering around, but it will be broadcast on the Marquee Network, if you can find it.

“That fuckface better mask up. He’ll need all the protection he can get,” Barrett said.