“For a smaller pothole, we have refrigerated inlays that will house beverages like White Claws and Old Style. Larger potholes can provide small, intimate spaces for members of the community to gather and watch the big game or enjoy more White Claws.
Read More“I have a Nobel Prize in Physics and the only thing the students need to get out of this class is just a few of Newton’s laws, but they won’t listen to me because I’m not a TikTok or whatever,” Professor Carney said over the faint sounds of the Bill Nye theme song.
Read More“It viciously nipped at me before taking off and dumping a huge, watery shit on my windshield.”
Read More“There hasn’t been a new microbrewery opening in Logan Square since last week, so this was needed.”
Read More“Lincoln Park Towing would be using their entire fleet of trucks, and extensive access to parking lots on the outskirts of the city to safely store cars until the owners need them back.“
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"I am here," it declared in a powerful voice that summoned the very winds of Lake Michigan. "Stop your car, there are people crossing the street," the beacon commanded in a Studs Terkel voice.
Read More“Listen up, worms,” Martinez barked at the 8-to-11-year-old girls assembled in the Rainbow Reading Room of Waters Elementary. “We’ve got a city full of dazed idiots with the munchies, and we are going to cram their gaping maws with sugar like only we can.”
Read More“This is a team with a fanbase who knows the bare minimum that they want out of a QB, and I promise to help Trubisky barely meet those expectations.”
Read MoreMcHenry, a graduate of The Annoyance training center, thought his collaborators Tim Faulkner and Chris Hazelwood were doing the “gift car” form when they walked into the Chase Bank in Lakeview and forced a bank teller to give them over $35,000 at gunpoint.
Read More“While we are proud of our commitment to pedestrians, the one-dimensional flavor profile of the calcium chloride was not meeting our standards.”
“This is the 6th consecutive year that Illinois has lost population, but I say good riddance. There’s too much traffic on the Edens anyway.”
Read More“Totally all us. And we are in no way sorry about it. Actually, you all should be thanking us. You’re outside, not miserable, and it’s January. Yeah, you’re welcome, Chicago.”
Read MoreI actually give him credit for somehow staying within the bus lane."
Read More“If you were wondering, I just started dating Sarah last week. It’s cuffing season, what do you expect?”
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He’s mentioned it in the past but hasn’t really followed through. "This year is going to be different," he said, "There comes a time in a wiener's life when Sport Peppers, Pickles, Tomatoes, Mustard, Celery Salt, Onions, Neon Relish, and Poppy Seed Buns just aren’t enough.”
Read More8.) Stop feeding the rats that live under The Bean.
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According to local news stations, a young girl attending a Beyoncé concert has made history by accidentally discovering a universal cure for all forms of cancer.
Read More“My single greatest concern is that I’ll accidentally buy a pony Ashalee already has.”
Read More“Now my coworkers are pissed at me, my manager takes me aside literally once a week, and 4 million strangers are threatening to kill me on Twitter.”
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