"We will be issuing discounted tickets to passengers who have been dismembered or maimed by the ongoing battle although we discourage involvement. Please attempt to stay within the designated demilitarized zone of the Brown Line above Sedgwick.”
Read MoreThe webinar plans to cover those topics that new parents fear most: changing diapers, talking about love, and resisting the allure of a billion dollar soul sucking music label.
Read More“Faithful supplicants from throughout Chicago gave thanks to the great Authority of Transit for the annual gift of light and heat.”
Read MoreThe report also confirms that the incidents were caused by one of the gods, like P’thuchuaa the God of Half-inflated Mylar Balloons or Oooooot the God of delayed Blue Line trains, as opposed to just plain ol' butterfingers.
Read More"Rahm was always the cooler mayor, he would let me sleep in my car whenever I wanted," yelled the ex-high ranking official in the Chicago Police Department.
Read MoreAt press time, drivers all over the city announced they will continue to ignore "NO PARKING" signs for the forseeable future.
Read MoreAt press time, a homeless man living in one of the spaces was accidentally given a briefcase and carted off to DC to attend the impeachment inquiry.
Read More“We're not saying that if you take Fosamax your bones will also last for 67 million years, but we're also not not saying that,” said Merck spokesperson Matt Morgan.
Read More“What we have here is a lightly used coach full of potential, and this Black Friday he will be on sale at participating Dick’s Sporting Goods for just $19.99,” said Reinsdorf in a TV ad aired on Comcast Sports Net.
Read More“Animal drink 19 Yaeger Bombs last night,” said Animal, with his mouth full of Taco Bell. “Animal smash face through drum set. Animal 50 feet tall and Animal didn’t fit in Uber. Animal walk 4 hours back to city. Animal want go home.”
Read MoreWhen reached for comment, Head Coach Matt Nagy stated, “Here in Chicago, the fans want, and deserve championship football. In order to make this happen, I researched all of the other recent champions, and found that the Houston Astros once won after making this same purchase."
Read MoreAfter a city-wide vote, the mounds of thinly sliced roast beef, italian sausage, and giardiniera peppers on a thick italian bun dipped in meat drippings have been given the names Chance on-a-Wrapper, and Lori Light-on-the-gravy.
Read More"I thought, 'Do I look like a fucking tourist?' But I took a deep breath, remembered nothing should overpower pride of place, and simply said, 'Give me 3 with everything - including the hot peppers."
Read More“A lot of people think I was just being cheap the last few years, but the truth is that I didn't have access to any of my bank accounts without this checkbook. The White Sox payroll has been paid entirely by hot dog sales and whatever money Kenny Williams found underneath his couch."
Read More“Most of the show's budget so far has gone into an extensive legal team they are keeping on retainer.“
Read More“Is that place still open?” asked AJ Brandt, who has lived above the bar for the last three years.
Read More"We haven't updated a damn thing,” said general contractor Pete Borisson. "But we have put down masking tape labeling the new 'living districts' of the old supermarket. We'll be billing for that."
Read MoreWilson, a 4th generation asshole ever since his Great-Great Grandfather pushed a pregnant woman out of the way to get a better spot in line at Ellis Island, has found it harder and harder to find legitimate reasons to be a verbally abusive butthole to people.
Read MoreThe new Peet's Tower, which would instantly become the world's largest freestanding structure, will consist of a single 193 story Peet's location housing 15 different experiential coffee bars, an olympic sized swimming pool filled with sauvignon blanc, and several floors of affordable housing for the 50,000 Peet's employees needed to staff the building.
Read MoreIf Governor J.B. Pritzker signs the measure, it would make Illinois the first state to pass a law regulating the sun since New Jersey banned the celestial body in 1927.
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