Extremely Large Muppet Struggling Through Parade after Rough Blackout Wednesday

By Mitchell Trachtenberg

CHICAGO, IL - Earlier this morning, a fifty foot tall Muppet struggled to survive the Chicago Thanksgiving Parade after being up until 3:00 a.m. drinking at a bar in Naperville. He was reportedly bonding with college kids home for Thanksgiving in his observance of the suburban holiday, “Blackout Wednesday.”

“Animal drink 19 Yaeger Bombs last night,” said Animal, with his mouth full of Taco Bell. “Animal smash face through drum set. Animal 50 feet tall and Animal didn’t fit in Uber. Animal walk 4 hours back to city. Animal want go home.”

According to reports provided to the Machine, Animal’s Muppet friends were very disappointed that he was out so late, knowing he would be marching in the Thanksgiving Day Parade in the city.

“He drives me crazy, that damn Muppet,” said Miss Piggy during a rare break from chugging bottles of wine. “He always does this. Every year around Thanksgiving, he goes out with his college friends, runs late to the parade, and then I have to go out and find him a 10 gallon bottle of Gatorade to help with his hango—ver,” she continued mid-hiccup.

However, Animal told Machine reporters that Blackout Wednesday is a holiday that he takes very seriously, and he has no regrets. “Animal very spiritual, and Blackout Wednesday Animal favorite day. Animal be himself,” said the Muppet before unleashing a tidal wave of Taco Bell vomit on a group of parade-goers.

Animal expects to graduate with his degree in architecture from University of Illinois next fall.