“Let’s be honest, their website is gonna have… some bugs,” said Chess, winking as he held up a clamshell VHS of Pixar’s 1998 film, A Bug’s Life in his Northwestern dorm room.
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The tank will also sit next to a sprawling prison wall replica filled with fun facts like, "Did you know it takes 25 pounds of concrete to hold a human body underwater for 1 year?"
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“We worked on a play call where I run a wheel route, then sit down on the turf and think for several minutes on the futility of making an effort in an uncaring world. That's the kind of high-quality, existentially terrifying stuff Coach Nagy has dreamed up for this week," said running back Tarik Cohen
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"As it phased in and out of being a night club, pizzeria, and beer garden, the he neighbors didn't know what was going on exactly. You could see the business was struggling to find itself, really a sad sight,"
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“No offense to Brent at all. He did a good job guessing where the doors were going to be, so he should get credit for that," said the train as it started sliding forward out of a perfect complete stop. "But we're just gonna scooch forwards a little bit, just to spice things up."
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Loganites took to the streets in droves as local bars desperately tried to expedite shipping of Anti-heroes and Lagunitas, but their efforts were in vain. After hours of protests, the residents burned the General Logan Statue with Molotov Bourbon Apple Sangria Cocktails.
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"Yeah, can I have nine hot dogs, three whole chocolate cakes, and I'm going to pass you a 10 gallon bucket to fill up with chili," said Cullerton. "You might want to tell the people in line this will be a while."
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“I’d love to say it will be done by 2022, like we’ve said previously," Osman added, "but obviously that was positive thinking. It could be 2032 or 2042 or, more likely, it will last in perpetuity. What’s that phrase, ‘when hell freezes over?' That's probably more accurate.”
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“I have stood with my peers for 11 school days, picketing with them and marching for more resources in schools, so I’m glad we have made this progress,” said Campbell. “But I will not stand by as Trevor runs around yelling and screaming and wrecking my damn classroom every morning.”
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From the stained walls, rickety tables, and creepy plaster nativity scene above the bar, everything is carefully arranged to make it look like the kind of place a murderer would hang out. “
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Furthermore, they’re expecting a downpour of comments that, "it snowed on Halloween two - or no, wait, was it three? - years ago," with a high chance of further anecdotes over the weekend.
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Touting their new hire’s achievements in sarcasm, profanity, and insults that cut to the bone, the managerial staff at the Wiener’s Circle on Clark Street announced that Frank Stevens, 24, has completed their employee insensitivity training program Tuesday.
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Passengers simply ignored the outburst until someone pointed out that the person at the center of the tirade was not a random homeless dude, but was actually in charge of setting foreign and domestic policy for the world's most powerful nation.
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"Billy really had to go pee, so we pulled off at the Chicago Avenue exit, directly into Lake Michigan," said Edith Parman, from her room at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. "The car is in the shop and I need surgery, but Billy stopped complaining, and this is better than sitting in traffic."
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“I’ll never cross the picket lines, but I do still have bills to pay,” said 53 year old Lisa Banks. “Besides, Trubuisky’s 5.2 passing yards per attempt shouldn’t be too hard to match, and after 31 years of teaching students to read, I’m sure I could handle an NFL playbook better than he can.”
Read More"I loved playing under Joe, but after watching the team fail to get it done this year, I knew the team needed a change," said Ross. "So I thought this off-season was the right time to get on the phone with Theo and tell him that I'm hired."
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“We know Chicago is a city of neighborhoods, but trust us, you don’t need to choke on clouds of American Spirit smoke in Wicker or stand nuts-to-butts on the Red Line to experience the city,” the article continued.
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“When the miner offers the silver pick, you’ll give away the Midway for a Tarheel without a trick.”
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There will also be exactly one elementary school nurse attending the match, which the board has said is plenty for an event of this size.
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Sources indicate that as the hundreds of thousands of students were driven to Mayor Lightfoot's home early this morning, the Mayor set out several packs of baby carrots and a box of Capri Suns for the arriving youths.
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