"No bueno my dude," said Milo Sheppard of Wicker Park. "I do not kick push anymore, this is going to be a gnarly adjustment," he continued, showing signs of one of the early stages of grief and loss.
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Six runners, 3 volunteers, and a rescue team are still unaccounted for.
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“The Planetarium will take all arguments that can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we live on a circular yet flat-as-a-pancake earth, and we are the human syrup just waiting to brim over the sides. “
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When asked for comment, Cubs fans burned a Maddon jersey in effigy, because tradition is important.
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Stylishly rolling into town today in his diamond encrusted tour bus, Chance the Rapper is ready to light up the City with his beats, his bars, and an outspoken pronouncement that he is in fact married now.
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Let Madame Mustardini reveal to you the things you've always known to be true; each star sign has a favorite type of porn
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“I can’t lie, we’ve had a rough week. Sales are down, and the bartenders are complaining about being overstaffed. But, when a new restaurant like Madden’s Post conveniently located on the corner of Clark and Waveland opens, some excess labor can be expected.”
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“The strings don’t get along with the woodwinds, our lead oboe has become addicted to JUUL and can’t make it halfway through a movement without taking a puff, the french horns are dating and can’t keep their hands off each other, our harpist refuses to put down her Japanese cartoon books,”
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After searching for 24 hours, the friends received a call from Ditka, who was in the West Palm Beach jail. When they picked him up, they saw he had a new Florida Gator tattoo, a mullet, and no recollection of the past day.
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3. Milk ol’ Betsy - Ol’ Betsy aint gonna milk ‘rself and neith’r is that silly little contraption o’yers. Now git to it!
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“This was the largest mass-adoration of a Chicago kicker since every Bears fan gave Robbie Gould a collective foot rub before the 2006 Super Bowl.”
Read MoreNumber 7 is GUARANTEED to put the guy next to you in the hospital!
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“When reached for comment, Bears GM Ryan Pace denied that the Bears had hired Grossman as a coach over the off-season, but admitted the QB has been living in the ventilation ducts of Solider Field since 2009.”
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“It’s such an honor coaching for a team with such a storied history. Back in 1920, George Halas founded this team, and 65 years later they fielded the greatest collection of football players to ever take the field together.”
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When asked who was paying the rent of the mostly vacant facility near Chicago Ave. and Larrabee St., Magstine shrugged his shoulders and said, “I've been paying rent with vouchers for the Hancock Tower's skydeck for months.”
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"We really don't know what he's doing here, or even what position he is supposed to be playing," said Mack. "It's just fun to see him strutting around as one of the guys. We're definitely going to miss him while he recovers."
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“I just got really high, you know, and I went down to the nearest Jewel because I really needed a snack or something,” said Governor Pritzker, “But then I couldn’t decide what I wanted so I’m just like, yo, I guess I’ll just buy a supermarket chain now.”
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“We’re disappointed we couldn’t secure the world’s largest island for our country, but Americans should know that the three-bedroom, two-and-a-half bathroom condo we’re getting is just as good.”
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Oh no! Your dog pooped in your mouth again! Here are the 7 best restaurants around Chicago where you can get rid of that horrible flavor.
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“We just wanted to remind all of Chicago’s dogs that they’re good boys and good girls. “
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