The passenger aircraft passed so close to other planes during the show that pilots were able to discuss a recent episode of The Bachelorette over the intercom with one of the Blue Angels.
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“It’s true! This Friday through Sunday, the Blue Angels will be on display doing loopty-loops in order to show Iran it means business!”
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We should probably teach Todd how caps lock works.
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“Janelle said she didn't initially enter jail thinking this would be a viable housing cost option, but as the judge read her sentence and she started doing the math, she realized how much money she was going to save”
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“ It looks like somebody vomited malort all over an array of solar panels. It actively makes me want to be less kind to the earth.”
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“We studied lab rat mazes, ant colonies, and ancient Egyptian tombs, but the Mart just had that special something.”
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Amazon spokesman Joof Boozus stated, " We are very excited about these new innovations. The future of e-commerce truly is in the past."
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“How can you understand the culture if you don't experience it?" Said Governor Pritzker, as he red stamped the document with enough force to rattle his office bong collection.
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It is our mission, as Chicagoans, to let these poor, inebriated young ones into our homes, to provide them with shelter, munchies, and ibuprofen. While they may differ in race, age, or blood alcohol content, they are still human beings, and worthy of our care.
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In the wake of the news that wealthy families in the Northern suburbs are switching custody of their high school seniors to friends, so they could receive more financial aid, The Machine would like to offer its guide on how to get yourself adopted, and receive all of their wonderful privileges
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"I really can't confirm or deny my feelings over this new development. What matters are facts. And the fact is that these clowns are about to owe me a milkshake,"
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We get it! You’re sad, and your insurance claim for therapy was just a ripped sheet of toilet paper reading, “Nice Try.” Here are some helpful Do-It-Yourself tricks to keep the gloomies at bay:
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“Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Could they be signs from God? Constant reminders of my sinful ways? Have I honestly cut off 2,438 people in traffic since moving here?”
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“I don’t understand why we’re starting construction without plans to include a warning track,” said Cubs centerfielder Albert Almora Jr. “When I’m tracking a flyball across the American West and through the New Mexico desert, I don’t want to run into the wall at full speed.”
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"We are urging drivers to use extreme caution when using Lower Wacker Drive, unless they are confident they are on good terms with their God.”
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"Overnight, Chance’s rent inflated by an inconceivable percentage since it was previously $0.00/mo, making this Chicago’s first example of super-gentrification.”
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“For the many many years of gender inequality, men will now be lactating ghost pepper hot sauce, rather than the originally planned ranch dressing, for at least 1 week every month, and just in time for BBQ season.”
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"Every day of my life, people would ask me, 'Bob, what the hell is an alligator person like yourself doing in Chicago? Shouldn't you be down in Florida with your brother, Crocodile Bob, where all of the alligators and crocodiles are?"
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"I don't know what the hell this guy was doing up here in Chicago. Of course they were all over him! The only nature these people see on a daily basis are pigeons humping in Grant Park."
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Please comment below with your own name suggestions, provided they are also variations of the name Gerald!
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