Local Motorist Discovers Portal to Hell on Lower Wacker Drive

By: Kaleena Slate

Photo by Ian Molnar

CHICAGO, IL-- Last week, local motorist Lisa Stickman discovered a portal to the Seventh Circle of Hell on Lower Wacker Drive. As a result, a new warning will be posted at the entrance of Lower Wacker Drive that will suggest motorists take special precautions before entering the labyrinth of roadway at their own risk.

"I couldn't even believe it, like, it appeared out of nowhere," says Lisa Stickman, who stumbled on the portal during a recent morning commute.

"It was like - I woke up from this daze and I was sitting in my car in front of this swirly, hot...thing, and it just, it had me! I'd have driven right into it, too, if it weren't for the yellow 'caution' tape at the entrance, you know. You never want to cross that!"

"We are urging drivers to use extreme caution when using Lower Wacker Drive, unless they are confident they are on good terms with their God," suggested Public Works Road Crew Manager, Alex Hart.

Motorists will be required to sign a document to relieve the city of Chicago of any blame for their immortal souls when they decide to enter Lower Wacker. Should one decide they no longer want to accept the risk of being transported from this mortal coil, Columbus Drive will become the designated 'point of no return’. However, should one decide the risk is worth taking, they will enter the depths of Lower Wacker Drive at their own risk.

The Archdiocese of Chicago has volunteered their services to say prayers before the main entrance and bless any vehicle who requests it. Blessings are said to help reserve salvation of one's soul for the light, but does not guarantee one will necessarily escape the portal's power.