The Chicago culinary marvel, Alinea, became known for something other than inventive menus and long wait lists last week after it came to light that they've been time-traveling to the future, and stealing McDonald's menus from the year 2073.
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“It’s going to be called something stupid like ‘Vape Time’ or ‘Smoke City,’ and it’s going to have a glass case filled with bongs they can’t legally tell you are for smoking weed.”
"He can't scare me anymore, and maybe now Mommy and Daddy will listen to me about the serpent demon in grandma’s potty.”
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“The Taste of Chicago has an almost ‘holy trinity’: weed, greed, and plenty of feed.”
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"We used to jam strawberry popsicles under our vests just to cool off. If you got really lucky it would drip all the way down your legs before it got warm.”
Read More“All I want to do is frolic in the autumn mist, without being bothered by people thinking i can bring them Cheetos and hookah coals at 3 in the morning."
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After the Bulls selected Coby White with the 7th pick the NBA draft, a local fan preemptively burned his jersey in preparation for eventual disappointment.
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“I didn’t pull my son out early from school at New Trier and drive the hour from Winnetka to Wrigley just to see the best offense in the league get two runs off Zack Wheeler.”
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“Wow, this looks and tastes exactly like carrot!”
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“Ice blocks carved in Trump's likeness have melted into Mitch McConnell's likeness.”
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“I used to tease my friends, ‘Ha, you weak little timber boys! I’m solid as a rock.’ But I never knew this would happen. I loved them.”
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"Watching him on the field, you'd think he was a natural born predator," said star defensive end Khalil Mack.
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“Everyone was about to walk away from the table, thinking we wouldn’t be able to make a deal. But then someone said, ‘hey you know Tim Zalewski from Berwyn? Fuck that guy,”
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While riding in a combination of both rush hour and Cubs traffic on the Red Line, Berwyn man Curtis Johnson attempted to eek out some undetected flatulence.
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Last Thursday, a Skokie couple launched a lawsuit against the Lou Malnati’s restaurant chain after they lost their small child in the middle of a deep dish pizza.
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