Jesus Announces Second Coming to Take Place at Taste of Chicago

By: Kaleena Slate

Photo by: Ben Kaster (IG: @debard_kaster)

CHICAGO, IL - In a move that is shocking millions, Jesus Christ, son of God, has announced he will be returning to Earth to kick off the beginning of the End Times, and He has chosen none other than The Taste of Chicago for this very special event.

When asked why he would be making his return in Chicago of all places, Jesus said, “The Taste of Chicago has an almost ‘unholy trinity’: weed, greed, and plenty of feed. As chaotic, violent, and hopeless as this world is, there is nothing to top it, except maybe the impending sense of doom one feels when standing between a stoned Chicagoan and a free sample of day-old macaroni and cheese.”

Christ continued, “Not to mention, the timing is working out just perfectly. This world has taken a turn for the worst. There’s crazy weather patterns, and constant war, the rise of dictators all over the world, coming back this year to bring on the End of Days now makes absolute sense.”

In response to the announcement, organizers for the Taste have also decided to add a theme to this year’s event. Therefore, this year, the festival will be called ‘The Taste Of Chicago; The Last Supper’. Rather than the regular vendors we’ve come to expect at the Taste, Chicago’s top chefs will create dishes with ingredients from the region in which the last supper was held. Also available will be Jesus’s recently released wine, ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not The Blood Of Christ’, as well as the chance to take your picture at the actual table where the last supper took place, courtesy of an anonymous donation from ‘wish to remain anonymous’.

For ticket information please assume your most comfortable prayer position, release all doubt of the existence of God, pray to Him your requested number of tickets, and He will provide.