God Announces Male Nipples to be Functional Starting Thursday

By: Kaleena Slate and Dylan Siegfried

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HEAVENS - During his weekly press conference, God has announced that as of this Thursday, every single man on earth's nipples will become fully functional.

This took place after an angel made God aware of the fact that some of the features on the prototype for the male anatomy were not active. Someone, it appears, forgot to flip on the male nips.

"Yeah, oversight definitely screwed the pooch on this one. I couldn't even imagine a world where men never had to deal with breast sensitivity, and I'm shocked your world has made it this far without destroying yourselves," the Angel Gabriel said to this somewhat insulted reporter.

The Angel also made it clear that God is determined to make it right. For the many many years of gender inequality, men will now be lactating ghost pepper hot sauce, rather than the originally planned ranch dressing, for at least 1 week every month, and just in time for BBQ season.

Here's some nip tips on how your life will change once the spicy new updates have been rolled out:

  1. Your nipples may tingle. Sometimes the left. Sometimes the right. But never both at the same time. You will want to examine and check the area for irregularities.

  2. Feeling a little sore and hot to the touch? Get out your Sriracha bottle and start pumping! No it isn't covered by your insurance.

  3. Accidental Nipple Discharge is possible so be sure to use medical grade pasties to keep from squirting innocent bystanders. They make extra large for the particularly buxom man.

  4. The color of your nipples will not change. Nor will their size. Nor will the flavor of the hot sauce. Please stop praying for these changes.

  5. Drinking alcohol or using drugs will taint your hot sauce. Take your vitamins and keep a healthy regimented diet to make the most nutritious hot sauce for you and your loved ones.

Keanu Reeves, consensus male representative to the higher realms, stated in response, "Yeah, we've probably had this coming for a while."