McDonalds to Introduce Bob Burger, in Honor of Alligator Bob

By: Ellen Wesley

McDonald’s announced today that they will be honoring the heroic Alligator Bob with the Bob Burger starting next Tuesday.

The noted ichthyologist has been tapped by the City of Chicago to track the Humboldt Park reptile, Chance the Snapper, in order to bring him to his new home in Lincoln Park Zoo by September 1.

"Every day of my life, people would ask me, 'Bob, what the hell is an alligator person like yourself doing in Chicago? Shouldn't you be down in Florida with your brother, Crocodile Bob, where all of the alligators and crocodiles are?" shouted Bob, as he wiped sweat from his forehead. He continued, "But now, I don't hear McDonalds honoring Crocodile Bob with a burger, are they?"

Once Bob calmed down, he requested that the city not harm Jerrold in the rescue, and that McDonald's not make the burger out of any actual meat. Though, he did insist that it taste exactly like the carnivorous beast.

"Bob's requests are a tall order, but I think we can make it happen," said Boris Burper, head of product management at McDonalds.

He continued, "All it'll take is a 6 oz of vegan mushroom protein with 20% cultivated mushrooms and 80% mycoprotein from alternative sources, spiced for the Vegan palette to include cinnamon ash and brewers’ yeast. Of course, vegan diets use sustainable sources such as mycoprotein. L Cinnamon ash is a byproduct of cinnamon harvest and provides B12, often deficient or lacking in the typical Vegan diet."

At press time, Burper was still rambling about the chemical composition of the burger, which will be hitting the menus on July 16th.