Gator's Relaxing Vacation Ruined by Internet

By: Erik Harkness

CHICAGO, IL - An alligator traveling all the way up from Florida had his vacation ruined after going viral on the internet. Yes, the Humboldt Park Alligator, named Gerard, was not prepared for this reception for his first visit to the Second City.

"I was just tired of the same drunk Florida golfers at my pond back home," Gerard stated for the Machine. He continued, "Sure, it's nice to eat a few golf balls now and then, but I really wanted to see something new for once. Maybe experience a new culture, hopefully classier than the one down in Florida."

Gerard was profiled by park-goers and the police within 12 hours of arriving in Humboldt Park. The internet responded to this news with Facebook events to swim with Gerard, fake Twitter accounts, and Chicagoans openly mocking this reptile for coming, which Gerard saw as harassment, rather than playful fun.

The Machine also reached out to Gerard’s distant cousin, Geraldo Rivera, currently living in the Lincoln Park Zoo. He stated, "I don't know what the hell this guy was doing up here in Chicago. Of course they were all over him! The only nature these people see on a daily basis are pigeons humping in Grant Park."

At press time, Gerard was seen on the phone with his travel agent, booking a trip to Amish country.