New Report Shows Viet Cong Based Tunnel System on Merchandise Mart

By: Ryan McGinnis

Photo Credit: Keegan Buckingham (IG: @keeganbuckingham)

CHICAGO, IL — The Vietnam War ended decades ago, but a recent report revealed that the infamously impenetrable Viet Cong tunnel system was based on Chicago’s Merchandise Mart.

The report’s authors, history professors at Stanford University, first noticed the connection when they had a long layover at O’Hare and decided to kill time at the Merchandise Mart. “What a mistake! We got lost in that spidery hell, and decided to map it out,” explained Professor Jerry Diamond. “That’s when Mark started to have 'Nam flashbacks, screaming for his mother, going full Apocalypse Now. We knew we were onto something.”

Former members of the Viet Cong felt relieved that the secret of their labyrinthine prowess was finally revealed to the world, with one member stating, “We studied lab rat mazes, ant colonies, and ancient Egyptian tombs, but the Mart just had that special something.”

Viet Cong agents subjected the Merchandise Mart to a series of tests to determine its resilience. “We even napalm bombed the Mart during rush hour,” said former Viet Cong captain Tan Nguyen. “Didn’t feel it? Exactly! That’s when we knew that it was the perfect model.”

The Pentagon expressed regret that its intelligence failed to notice the similarities. “We dropped the ball on this. Could have won the war if we had known that. We actually had sent a scouting party to the Mart once, but lost contact shortly after insertion. Poor bastards had no chance.”

At press time, your reporter was totally lost and screaming, “Where are the other escalators??!”