Op Ed: BRING BACK da BEARS

By: Todd Malinowski

LISSEN I DON’ GIVE A RAT’S ASS ABOUT DA SUMMER. I DON’ CARE ABOUT DA CUBS OR DA SOX. BASEBALL IS A BORIN’ SPORT AND YOU’SE CAN’T GET A MILLER LITE IN EEDER PLACE FOR LESS THAN $20. I’M A WORKIN’ GUY! I CAN’T AFFORD DAT! HOW CAN I GET DRUNK ON DAT?!

I DON’ CARE ABOUT DA STREET FESTIVALS OR GOIN DOWN TO DA LAKE. I WORK STREETS ‘N’ SAN FER DA CITY SO I GOTTA CLEAN UP AFTER DESE MILLENIALS OR WHATEVER DA HELL DEY’RE CALLED NOW.

DEE ONLY THING DAT KEEPS ME GOIN’ IS DA THOUGHT THAT BEARS REGULAR SEASON IS STARTIN SOON AND DA FALL IS DRAWING NIIIIGH. DAT WAY I CAN GET BACK TO ENJOYIN’ MY COLD MILLER LITES AND WATCHIN’ DA BEARS ON THE TV.

BUT WID DISS HEAT AND RAIN, I CAN’T STAND IT NO MORE. I NEED MY BEARS!

AND YEAH, DEY GO 12-4 LASS YEAR. DEY GO TO DAH PLAYOFFS. BIG DEAL! DID DEY WIN? NO! DAT’S BECAUSE DEY DON’ KNOW DA TRADISHION OF PAPA BEAR, GEORGE HALAS.

DIS MATT NAGGY?! HE’S A BUM! HE’S A, WHATTAYA CALL DAT, A FLUKE! HE AIN’ NO DITKER, TELL YA DAT RIGHT NOW! IRON MIKE IS CHICAGO. HE’LL TAKE ALL DESE MILLI VANILLI TYPE YOUNG GUYS AND GET’EM IN SHAPE. RUN DA POWER EYE, PASS TREE TIMES A GAME, AN’ LET RICHARD DENT AND MUNGO GET AFTER DA QB. BRING BACK DITKER, AND WE GO TO DA SUPER BOWL AGAIN.

AND DIS DRUBINSKY!? HE’S ANUDDER BUM! ANUDDER ONE O’ DOSE MELENOMA GENERATION KIDS. YOU WANT WINS? YOU BRING BACK DAT KYLE ORTMAN. HE COULD TRO A BALL. BIG STRONG KID. PURDUE GUY SO HE’S A REGULAR GUY. NOT THIS DRUBINSKY. HE WENT TO NORTH CAROLINA. DEE ONLY THING I LIKE NORTH IS MIKE NORTH FROM THE SCORE.

AND BRING BACK KEVIN BUTTHEAD BUTLER! DIS UDDER GUY TANKED WHEN WE NEEDED IT MOST. BUTTHEAD NEVER MISSED A KICK IN HIS LIFE. AND HE LISTENED TO THE LOOP 97.9. ONLY TRUE CHICAHGO GUYCE DO DAT.

LOOK, WHA DO I KNOW? I’M JUST A WORKIN GUY WHO LOVES DA BEARS. BUT IF MRS. MCCASKEY WANTS ANUDDER SUPER BOWL TROPHY, SHE’LL LISTEN TO DA FANS. WE ALWAYS HAVE DA TEAM’S BESS INTERESTS AT HEART. AND QUIT CHARGING US $12 FOR A MILLER LITE!!!