By: Stuart Allard

CHICAGO, IL — Blazing forth on the mid Chicago skyline, Groupon's bright green logo has become a guiding beacon for all those seeking deals. But who's really running the show? The Chicago Machine has found out the surprisingly simple answer.

Jeff Magstine is Groupon's last remaining employee and he has everything a good coupon company needs; a chair, a desk, and a computer. "The show kind of runs itself at this point. The computer dings when people buy sex toys, they are automatically filed in the blackmail folder, and for the rest of the day I just pray that legitimate businesses continue accepting these bar-codes as money."

In his self proclaimed uniform, a worn-out green tracksuit which was a first Grouponaversary gift, Magstine arrives around 7 AM every weekday morning. He turns on the lights, starts a fresh pot of coffee, and because the third party cleaning company was laid off in 2017, also wipes down and vacuums the vicinity of his working area. “A clean work zone is a happy work zone,” Magstine said to no one in particular as he picked up a singular candy wrapper and placed it in the trash.

In spite of a 99% employee turnover rate since Groupon’s heyday in the early 2010s, Magstine has kept up the company’s quirky startup traditions. Every year for his birthday, Magstine orders himself an Edible Arrangement and a sheet cake and this year's bonus was paid entirely in bitcoin. On casual Fridays, he performs nude calisthenics in the office yoga studio or as he called it, "Where that asshole Mark used to sit."

When asked who was paying the rent of the mostly vacant facility near Chicago Ave. and Larrabee St., Magstine shrugged his shoulders and said, “I've been paying rent with vouchers for the Hancock Tower's skydeck for months.”

Remember Groupon? Meet Their Last Employee!