Turning the plastic wand on your horizontal blinds to illuminate the 175 square foot efficiency you’ve lived in since graduation revealed a surprisingly beautiful view of the slightly bigger apartment you’d be able to afford if your manager wasn’t such a moron.
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The report also confirms that the incidents were caused by one of the gods, like P’thuchuaa the God of Half-inflated Mylar Balloons or Oooooot the God of delayed Blue Line trains, as opposed to just plain ol' butterfingers.
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When reached for comment, Head Coach Matt Nagy stated, “Here in Chicago, the fans want, and deserve championship football. In order to make this happen, I researched all of the other recent champions, and found that the Houston Astros once won after making this same purchase."
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