Gods of Lake Michigan Demand More iPhone Sacrifices

By Ed Pommelnu

CHICAGO, IL - Like most twenty-something residents of Streeterville, Eric Sandercott wanted to take a pic of last night’s awesome sunset. However, as he was switching from twitter to Instagram, the God of Zebra Mussels and Pee Water, Ur-Gothamahl, erupted from the placid waters of Lake Michigan, snapped seventeen of its ninety-five fingers and caused Sandercott’s iPhone 11 Pro Max to leap from his grasp, tumble end over end, and sink like an iPhone. He confirmed that’s the only reason he could have dropped it because he was like, holding it so tight.

When asked for comment, Sandercott remarked, “Oh no no no! FUCK!”

According to records revealed by The Machine investigative team, Sandercott’s loss marks the 348th time this year that an iPhone has been sacrificed to the nearest of the Great Lakes. This is a startlingly high number when compared against the quantity of times people wanted to drop their phone into ten to fifteen feet of muddy grey sludge water and never get it back, which is zero.

The report also confirms that the incidents were caused by one of the gods, like P’thuchuaa the God of Half-inflated Mylar Balloons or Oooooot the God of delayed Blue Line trains, as opposed to just plain ol' butterfingers.

“It’s definitely something that happens sometimes,” said Lincoln Park Apple Genius Amber Castillo. "It makes sense the Gods are angry now. They get less sacrifices during winter months, because people don't go near the lake as much. Nobody sails in the wintertime."

The Machine wanted to conduct an experiment to refute Castillo’s hypothesis but there’s no way we’re getting anywhere near that lake because we just finished paying off our 9s and it would be quite unfortunate if Rhistacham the God of Oily Whirlpools of Garbage swept our phones out to sea.