Peet's Coffee Announces 3,000 Foot Skyscraper on Michigan Avenue

By Hirsch Ptyc

CHICAGO - As Chicagoans celebrated the opening of the World's Largest Starbucks on Michigan Avenue today, executives from Peet's Coffee delivered a shock to coffee lovers everywhere by unveiling plans to build a 3,000 foot skyscraper directly next door.

"For years, I always thought that providing better quality coffee in a friendlier atmosphere was the key to competing with Starbucks, and we worked hard to make that happen," said Peet's CEO Casey Keller. "Turns out people just want to drink mediocre coffee in a giant building. Fine, whatever. We can do that too."

The new Peet's Tower, which would instantly become the world's largest freestanding structure, will consist of a single 193 story Peet's location housing 15 different experiential coffee bars, an olympic sized swimming pool filled with sauvignon blanc, and several floors of affordable housing for the 50,000 Peet's employees needed to staff the building. But Peet's Roastmaster Doug Welsh says that serving the same quality coffee will be the number one priority.

"All of you idiots are acting like Starbucks will stop tasting like bland bean water because it's in a fancy three-story building. It won't," said Keller. "My favorite part of Peet's Tower is the 50-story funnel that will allow me to shove quality coffee directly down your uncultured throat, because apparently that's the only way any of you philistines are going to drink it."

While the record-breaking tower will offer several amenities not available at a normal Peet's location, Welsh also confirmed there would still be only one electrical outlet in that is always too far away no matter where you sit.