Chicago To Build Jesse White Tumbler Commuter Lane In 2021
By Daniel Stillman
CHICAGO, IL - Vaulting and jack-knifing over drivers throughout the day, and commuting to neighborhood festivals and minor league soccer games has become extremely dangerous for the hundreds of Jesse White Tumblers in Chicago. Although exciting to watch Tumblers gracefully flip over truck drivers, the Illinois Department of Transportation and the Chicago City Council have agreed on building a dedicated Jesse White Tumbler Commuter Lane in 2021 for safer Tumbler Travel.
“I want to thank the city of Chicago for taking action to keep my Tumblers safe. I know its a privilege to have gymnasts hurdle through the city with my face on their uniforms, so knowing there will be even one less splattered on a windshield is a huge weight off my chest,” said Jesse White, Secretary of State of Illinois. “Now we will have our own lane to do our acrobatic flips to Top 40 hits safely and get from place to place in one continuous cartwheel, just as God intended. Surely, this was the missing piece to making Chicago the safest city in America.”
The often divided Chicago City Council was proud to unite on this important transportation issue and at the same time honor the group who has given them a brief but happy memory from a 4th of July Festival 15 years ago.
“Chicago has been hand-clapping and foot-stomping offbeat in community gyms and large fields watching the Tumblers jump on a trampoline for over 60 years, so this Tumbler-only commuter lane is our way of giving back without actually investing in the Chicago Public School system or something silly like that,” said Chicago alderman Derrick Jones. “We don’t imagine anyone flipping out over this announcement, unless you’re one of the tumblers of course.”
The construction of the Jesse White Tumbler Commuter Lanes will begin next year, and the Chicago City Council intends to get back to you on the 15 potholes on your street that you’ve been complaining about for 10 years soon once they find funding for it.