"You're Welcome for the Heat, Chicago!" ExxonMobile Releases Report on Climate Change

By Meghan Ford

CHICAGO - ExxonMobile made shockwaves last Monday when they released their 2020 Outlook for Energy Report taking full credit for our planet’s current energy and climate crisis, and Chicago’s January 50 degree weather.

“Oh yeah, we did it,” stated ExxonMobile CEO, Darren W Woods. “Totally all us. And we are in no way sorry about it. Actually, you all should be thanking us. You’re outside, not miserable, and it’s January. Yeah, you’re welcome, Chicago,” he added, while pointing to two dudes walking along Navy Pier in light jackets, high fiving.

The Report gave a full account of ExxonMobile executives consistently making decisions that actively, and intentionally, disrupted the Earth’s balanced ecosystems. This ranged from burying accurate climate research and reports, ignoring standard drilling regulations and policies, to straight up hunting endangered baby elephants.

“I’m sick of everybody getting pissed for something that you seem pretty goddamn happy about. For YEARS you assholes in Chicago have been complaining NON-STOP about how cold it is, and the fucking snow, and how long winter feels, and blah blah blah blah blaah."

When asked to comment on more extreme weather patterns like 2018’a record low temperatures and Australia’s wildfires, the CEO simply turned around, took off his jacket, walked outside into the warm January air, and took a small bow.