Illinois Loses 50,000 Residents, But They Were Probably All Dumb Losers Anyway

By Ari Loundy

CHICAGO - According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, Illinois lost over 50,000 residents in 2019, but all of those people were probably dumb losers anyway. 

"These are very troubling statistics, as they signal a potential weakening of Illinois' power on the federal level," said Census Official Kaitlyn Overstreet, as if these morons were accomplishing anything during the day aside from double-parking and calling it the "Willis Tower". 

The report indicates that the main reasons people gave for leaving are a lack of jobs, high taxes, and rampant inner-city crime, but it could also very well be that they're just generally unlikable people and we don't want them in our state anyway. 

Two of these dolts, Margaret and Dave Anderson, moved to Munster, IN in September of 2019.

"We wanted to find a clean, quiet place to raise our future children, and we believe the lower taxes will help us live better lives," said Dave, who 4 months before was probably blasting Old Town Road from his phone speakers during rush hour on the Brown Line. “Plus, I still live less than an hour away from my Loop-based tech job.”

While some residents fear the economic repercussions of a potential brain-drain, others are quick to say good riddance, and note that there was probably never much brain in these people to begin with. 

“They’re complaining about taxes?” asked Lawrence Pulaski. “Why don’t they just dodge them like the rest of us! It’s not like this God-forsaken state is organized enough to notice.”

Pulaski continued, “This is the 6th consecutive year that Illinois has lost population, but I say good riddance. There’s too much traffic on the Edens anyway.”