Goose Island Migrates South For The Winter

By Ang Stybetch

CHICAGO, IL - Early Tuesday morning, in a strangely beautiful display of mother nature, the 160-acre landmass known as Goose Island was spotted spreading its feathery wings and taking to Chicago’s gray, polluted skies to begin its annual trip south for the winter. 

Patchouli-scented migration expert, Peggy Randall, was first to arrive on the scene, as nobody else was in a rush to the view the event. “I bet my colleagues at Lincoln Park Zoo feel pretty silly for disrespecting my research on a day like today,” scoffed the friendless, hippie bird lady while emotionally waving goodbye to the winged real estate. “Honk, honk, old friend, see you soon!”

While Randall is among a small group of citizens who admired the natural spectacle, many others were less impressed with the airborne chunk of land, and the hole it left behind. 

“I had quite a few questions to answer for our morning segment, but the ‘thing’ got aggressive mid-broadcast,” stated Linda Braverman, a frustrated ABC7 News reporter who has promised to quit her job if asked to cover one more on-site interview with a flying island. “It viciously nipped at me before taking off and dumping a huge, watery shit on my windshield.”

Tens of viewers tuned in to watch the phenomenon live on television, though most of the footage consisted of the creature defecating over the city, leaving behind its characteristic cream-colored trail. As the migration route only passes over South Side neighborhoods, no cleanup efforts will be pursued.

Goose Island is expected to make its return in late April when Chicagoland will likely be just as cold and unlivable as it is today. Until then, locals will remain oblivious to the island’s departure since that’s not where Goose Island beer is brewed, anyways.