Giving Up: UChicago Professor Just Rolled In A TV On A Cart And Is Just Going To Play ‘Bill Nye’ On VHS

By Daniel Stillman

CHICAGO, IL - Slowly rolling in a rusty cart with a TV on it, a raucous cheer from the University of Chicago lecture hall of Introduction To Physics students was heard across Hyde Park at the sight of a defeated professor. Professor Leonard Carney, a Nobel Prize winner of Physics has already given up at this point of the quarter and is going to rely on Bill Nye The Science Guy to take care of the rest of his teaching.

“I have a Nobel Prize in Physics and the only thing the students need to get out of this class is just a few of Newton’s laws, but they won’t listen to me because I’m not a TikTok or whatever,” Professor Carney said over the faint sounds of the Bill Nye theme song. “Do they want me to make a music video every class to make them understand what goes up, must come down? I don’t have Disney money so I’m just going to play this crap.”

Carney has been teaching physics for over 30 years, but now with recreational marijuana being legal in Illinois, the professor officially has no chance of teaching anything at the University anymore and is going to rely on Professor Nye and an old VHS for the rest of his tenure.

“What’s stopping my students from snacking on edibles during my class now?” Carney said. “Then again, what’s stopping me from popping one in and binging Bill Nye with them for the rest of the year too?”

Professor Carney was last seen on the Quad trying to sell his Nobel Prize for a few grams of marijuana.