Logan Square Candle Shop Gentrified By Microbrewery

By Daniel Stillman

CHICAGO, IL - Bringing much needed change to the lively Logan Square neighborhood, Rosie’s Candles has been officially forced out of the neighborhood to make space for the family-owned Carney Bros. Microbrewery, which is something the neighborhood has desperately needed.

“We hate replacing one unnecesary thing like a candle shop with another unnecessary thing like a microbrewery, but that’s exactly what we’re going to do here. We will make a lot more money from bearded guys drinking craft beer than someone buying a candle for a Secret Santa gift,” said Logan Square Chamber of Commerce President Rodney Marks. “There hasn’t been a new microbrewery opening in Logan Square since last week, so this was needed.”

Upon next month’s planned opening of the Carney Bros. Microbrewery, the brothers have received criticism that they are adding to the pattern of gentrification that’s been happening in the Logan Square neighborhood, but they insist they aren’t the bad guys here.

“It’s not our fault we’re gentrifying the neighborhood with our microbrewery, what do you want us to do? Build a school, or affordable housing instead?” said co-owner Ben Carney. “We’re making the community better by making it a little more pretentious, and a lot more expensive. We thank the Logan Square community for welcoming us with open flannels.”

Ultimately no one should feel too bad for poor Rosie’s Candles, they are currently looking for new neighborhoods to gentrify with the necessary candle shop. Machine sources have stated that they have already put a bid on a space in West Loop.