Following Legalization, Girl Scout Troop Leaders Prepare For Cookie Bloodbath

By Lexington Concord Jr.

CHICAGO, IL - Pounding the table and staring directly into the eyes of the assembled Girl Scouts, troop leader and mother of three Jane Martinez addressed the group Tuesday and declared they were “not fucking around” when it came to this year’s cookie sales.

The Girl Scouts of America are, according to an internal memo obtained by The Machine, “extremely optimistic” about this year’s cookie sales projections for Illinois, given the recent legalization of marijuana in the state.

“Listen up, worms,” Martinez barked at the 8-to-11-year-old girls assembled in the Rainbow Reading Room of Waters Elementary. “We’ve got a city full of dazed idiots with the munchies, and we are going to cram their gaping maws with sugar like only we can.”

GSA projections anticipate a 417% increase in Illinois sales, a spokeswoman adding “as long as Ashley gets her shit together this year.” Martinez’ address, “reminiscent of George Patton” according to fellow troop parent Michael Ward, lasted 45 minutes.

“If I see a bearded guy with bloodshot eyes walking down Damen and he’s not carrying a box of Samoas, I will regard it as a personal offense.” Martinez continued with her fists clenched, “When you remind them that Thin Mints are ten times as delicious after being kept in the freezer, they’re going to drop their vinyl copy of Workingman’s Dead and worship you like the sugar-purveying goddesses you are!”

The Boy Scouts of America and their substandard popcorn could not be reached for comment.

At press time, are you sure you only want one box?