Hundreds of patrons filled the plaza as the offender sat criss-cross applesauce on the icy ground wearing a 3-foot tall dunce cap made from used Dunkin’ bagel bags that still smelled of expired cream cheese.
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“That includes giving up your seat to SWAT team members who may have trouble standing on their own, they’re there for your protection.”
Read More"We did our best to prepare the UC for the Bulls to return, but it took longer than expected to pick up all of the hot dogs that somebody shot out of a t-shirt cannon.”
Read More5. Grab it and scream, “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden...I’m not just giving it up for fucking nothing!”
Read MoreWhile the decision has been met with support, some people believe that the 5th star should have actually Joel’s more well known brother Bill, or the most talented Murray brother, Brian Doyle. However, Mayor Lightfoot doubled-down on the decision, stating that, “Joel, more than all the other Murray Brothers, best represents the city’s blue collar working class spirit.”
Read More“It is an honor to be able to represent my city as a part of All Star weekend. Though, if I‘m lucky enough to win the raffle, I think I‘ll probably just resell them online,” said Coby White, just as Trae Young hit a 40 foot jumper in the UC.
Read More“The Presidential Center will be historic, I guess, but we consider this plaque a celebration of Obama’s greatest achievement in his life, which was to get a handjob,” said Zimmer.
Read MoreCongratulations! Despite years of history repeating itself, asking out your Valentine’s day crush did not end in a night of shower-crying. Now comes the hard part: you actually have to follow through and be interesting. Don’t worry; we’ve got you covered. Here are 5 of Chicago’s best first date locations that may or may not all be the Nutella Cafe.
Read More“We asked for hardhats at least, but that Lightfoot, she thought it would take away from the performance.”
Read More“My cow onesie was really starting to catch the eyes of some honeys before this happened,” Reed assured himself as he zoomed in on the faces of random girls who reluctantly agreed to take photos with the 6’3” drunken bovine, each victim looking more distant and uninterested than the last.
Read MoreHe didn’t have any Italian beef stains on his shirt and was not wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey, so I knew something was very off about him.
Read MoreTypically our Big Macs are an affordable $15, but in order to align ourselves with other establishments, like Fig and Olive or Ada Street, we want to go big and charge $48.
Read More“After watching that, I don’t know if I want to learn to drive knowing that’s how roads are built and maintained.”
Read MoreTurning the plastic wand on your horizontal blinds to illuminate the 175 square foot efficiency you’ve lived in since graduation revealed a surprisingly beautiful view of the slightly bigger apartment you’d be able to afford if your manager wasn’t such a moron.
Read More“Jason just believes that Mondays are terrible and ought not to be recognized by the residents of Garfield Park.”
Read More“The Chicago River is a unique and vital ecosystem,” Wobig explained, “And maintaining the populations of mutated trout, invasive Asian carp, and aquatic homeless has historically required a certain level of fresh mafia hits being dumped into the river.
Read MoreGeraci will continue to pray for your bankruptcy, but recommends to Chicago-area residents to speed up the process by keep signing up for every new streaming service that comes out each month.
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He was human just like you and me. Al woke up every single day, put on pants one leg at a time, murdered countless people, and ran brothels just like us.
Read More“It was a shame, I was hoping I would be able to see the Warhol exhibit before they contained me.”
Read More“Sources last saw Sanders purchasing a Chicago flag for his dorm room at a Michigan Avenue tourist shop.“
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