Biodiversity of Chicago River Upset by Lack of Dead Bodies

By Patrick J. Reilly

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Citing a recently published study by the University of Chicago, Illinois Director of the Office of Water Resources Loren Wobig raised concerns that the biodiversity of the Chicago River could be harmed irreparably, primarily due to the lack of fresh corpses being deposited in the waterway.

“The Chicago River is a unique and vital ecosystem,” Wobig explained, “Maintaining the populations of mutated trout, invasive Asian carp, and aquatic homeless has historically required a certain level of fresh mafia hits being dumped into the river. Sadly, in recent years, far fewer stoolies are being wrapped up in sheets and weighted down to settle at the bottom.”

The Chicago River has been a vital dumping ground for Chicago’s illicit cadavers since the city’s founding. In 1887, to help alleviate pressure on the waterway, the General Assembly voted to redirect the river’s flow, one of the greatest achievements in the history of civil engineering, that allowed corpses to float all the way to St. Louis.

“It seems Chicagoans today are more interested in convenience,” said City Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “More and more bodies are being disposed of in wasteful ways - buried in cement, wrapped in plastic and thrown in the dump, or even just left on the street for hours. This prevents vital nutrients from entering the river’s ecosystem, which can have lasting effects on our wildlife.” The Commissioner went on to encourage all Chicagoans to do their part by disposing of their victims at designated drop off points along the river, with special locations being added to the North and South branch to promote community outreach.

The city is also planning to host educational events to promote understanding about the role of rotting human flesh in keeping the river healthy. The Shedd Aquarium has partnered with local government to host a special exhibition that will allow visitors to watch a police informant decomposing in real time, and even allowing kids to feed the fish with chunks of shredded remains.

Studies indicate that the second major part of the river’s ecosystem, green-dyed St. Patrick’s Day vomit, is still in ample supply.