Garfield Park Alderman Announces Plan to Cancel Mondays

By Ari Loundy

CHICAGO, IL - In a stunning announcement, Jason Ervin, Alderman of the 28th Ward which includes much of Garfield Park, has decided to cancel Mondays.

“This wasn’t about budgets, or drugs or guns or anything,” said Odie Taylor, the head spokesperson for the Alderman’s office. “Jason just believes that Mondays are terrible and ought not to be recognized by the residents of Garfield Park.”

Under this new plan, all non-essential services would be closed on the day before Tuesday, and all residents would be banned from using the word, or searching it online.

Despite a near-universal agreement that Mondays are the worst, there has been some pushback to the Alderman’s proposal. “The Alderman’s community revitalization plans have so far been disastrous,” said Jon Arbuckle, a local community organizer. “He’s had nothing to show for his work besides this, an uptick in lasagna restaurants, and an unexpected, and unfortunate, visit by Bill Murray.”