Gold Coast Resident Publicly Shamed at Daley Plaza For Buying Off-Brand Sparkling Water

By Ang Stybetch

CHICAGO, IL - Soon-to-be former Gold Coast resident Hunter Wells was sentenced to twelve hours of public shaming at Daley Plaza on Sunday morning, a fitting punishment for stocking his fridge with the marginally cheaper Target-brand sparkling water.

“My apartment amenities include an on-call barber and a rooftop pizza oven so yeah, I need to cut back on certain expenses,” grumbled a bitter Wells as he cracked a can and sipped on what might as well be dirty toilet water. “It’s not like I did my grocery shopping at Walgreens.”

Hundreds of patrons filled the plaza as the offender sat criss-cross applesauce on the icy ground wearing a 3-foot tall dunce cap made from used Dunkin’ bagel bags that still smelled of expired cream cheese. Wells resentfully held a handwritten sign that read, “I may have saved 85 cents, but I lost my dignity.”

“How dare he disrespect our culture like that,” shared Olivia Barrett, an offended spectator who appeared to clutch her Starbucks Sparkling Citrus Espresso a little tighter after seeing the orange and pink logo shamefully printed on Wells’ headwear. “I’m literally so heated, I better go switch to a more breathable Apple Watch Band.”

After posting photos of the humiliating exhibition to their Instagram stories with the caption “Off-brand gets you banned,” the affluent crowd piled into individual Ubers and caravanned back home to wash up for the evening in LaCroix-filled bathtubs.

Wells is expected to find a well-deserved eviction notice taped to the entrance of his lavish high-rise studio later tonight. According to the Gold Coast Neighbors Association, “perhaps he will feel more comfortable in a dumpier neighborhood like Lakeview.”