Misguided High Schooler Can’t Wait To Hang Out At The Bean Everyday

By Daniel Stillman

CHICAGO, IL - As he entered Millenium Park, Naperville North High School senior Kenny Sanders could not help but fantasize about graduating from a midwestern state school with a finance degree, moving to Chicago, and spending every waking moment of his free time hanging out at the Bean.

“I can’t believe people live here and get to hangout at the coolest places Chicago has to offer, like the Water Tower, the Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier, and the Riverwalk. They can eat lunch everyday at FoodLife!” Sanders said. “But I’m immediately going to hangout at The Bean every single day once I move down here and live right next to the Willis Tower.”

Sanders would have daydreams about his selfies The Bean and getting drenched by the water fountains of spitting people.

“I’m going to spend hours at The Bean and put my fingers on it and say, ‘I’m flicking The Bean, no one else has thought of this before,’ and it’ll be great,” Sanders said. “Thankfully I’m in 20 AP classes so I’ll be able to graduate college in three years, which means I’ll get to move to Chicago even quicker.”

Sources last saw Sanders purchasing a Chicago flag for his dorm room at a Michigan Avenue tourist shop.