Romantic: University of Chicago Puts Plaque in Theater Where Michelle Gave Barack First Handjob

By Diego Manischewitz

CHICAGO, IL - Walking around Hyde Park, the location of the University of Chicago, students and tourists can see the location of Michelle and Barack Obama’s first kiss with a special commemorative plaque. Due to the popularity of the tourist attraction, the University has decided to put a plaque of the historic site where Michelle gave the future president a handjob to celebrate America’s prominent couple.

“Not only are we lucky to be the site of the Obama’s first kiss, we’re even more fortunate to be the place where Michelle gave Barack his first handy. I mean, it’s 3rd base, that’s an achievement for anyone, whether you killed Osama Bin Laden or not,” said University of Chicago President Robert Zimmer. “We’re happy to be celebrating this wonderful, intimate moment of tugging between the couple by putting a plaque for all to see in the back of Harper Theater and generate billions of tourism dollars for the university.”

The plaque is a nice additional tourist attraction with the planned and highly anticipated Obama Presidential Center coming to Hyde Park in the next few years, but until the Center opens, people will just have to appreciate the new plaque with a stroke of patience and appreciation.

“The Presidential Center will be historic, I guess, but we consider this plaque a celebration of Obama’s greatest achievement in his life, which was to get a handjob,” said Zimmer. “It’s the handjob at the world-class University of Chicago that tugged not only his member, but his heartstrings for his lovely life Michelle that made them America’s most powerful and admired couple.”

Sources have reported President Obama hopes the new plaque will inspire Americans into action, specifically the action of stroking someone off in the back of movie theaters across the country.