New Chicago Gangsters Tour Shows You How Al Capone Got Syphilis

By Daniel Stillman

CHICAGO, IL - Announcing with great pleasure, the CEO of City Tours Chicago, Mark Carney told a group of reporters during a hastily planned press conference outside of an abandoned brothel that a new tour will show tourists and Chicago residents how the kingpin of the Chicago mob got syphilis. Carney wanted to use this new tour offering to show another side of the organized crime leader.

“Everyone knows the Capone who was a bootlegger, a murderer, a cocaine addict, and a savvy businessman, but what people need to know is that Capone was human too,” said Carney. “He was human just like us. Al woke up every single day, put on pants one leg at a time, murdered countless people, and ran brothels just like us.”

The CEO of City Tours Chicago insists that there’s tons of interest from tourists and Chicago residents who want to see how the mobster got syphilis. “We’re going to take our double-decker bus of spectators to the abandoned,, rat-infested brothel where Capone had unprotected sex with a hooker, right up against the moldy walls. This was the very encounter where got syphyllis that ultimately caused his death,” said Carney. “The tour guide will point to a corner of the brothel and say ‘There it is’ to people’s great amusement, I’m sure.”

Payment for the tour may be submitted in a shoebox of cash placed in the underground tunnel beneath City Hall. There will be space right next to Alderman Burke's bribe collection bin.