While the decision has been met with support, some people believe that the 5th star should have actually Joel’s more well known brother Bill, or the most talented Murray brother, Brian Doyle. However, Mayor Lightfoot doubled-down on the decision, stating that, “Joel, more than all the other Murray Brothers, best represents the city’s blue collar working class spirit.”
Read More“The Presidential Center will be historic, I guess, but we consider this plaque a celebration of Obama’s greatest achievement in his life, which was to get a handjob,” said Zimmer.
Read More“We asked for hardhats at least, but that Lightfoot, she thought it would take away from the performance.”
Read More“My cow onesie was really starting to catch the eyes of some honeys before this happened,” Reed assured himself as he zoomed in on the faces of random girls who reluctantly agreed to take photos with the 6’3” drunken bovine, each victim looking more distant and uninterested than the last.
Read MoreHe didn’t have any Italian beef stains on his shirt and was not wearing a Chicago Cubs jersey, so I knew something was very off about him.
Read MoreTypically our Big Macs are an affordable $15, but in order to align ourselves with other establishments, like Fig and Olive or Ada Street, we want to go big and charge $48.
Read MoreTurning the plastic wand on your horizontal blinds to illuminate the 175 square foot efficiency you’ve lived in since graduation revealed a surprisingly beautiful view of the slightly bigger apartment you’d be able to afford if your manager wasn’t such a moron.
Read More“Jason just believes that Mondays are terrible and ought not to be recognized by the residents of Garfield Park.”
Read More“The Chicago River is a unique and vital ecosystem,” Wobig explained, “And maintaining the populations of mutated trout, invasive Asian carp, and aquatic homeless has historically required a certain level of fresh mafia hits being dumped into the river.
Read MoreGeraci will continue to pray for your bankruptcy, but recommends to Chicago-area residents to speed up the process by keep signing up for every new streaming service that comes out each month.
Read More“It was a shame, I was hoping I would be able to see the Warhol exhibit before they contained me.”
Read More“Sources last saw Sanders purchasing a Chicago flag for his dorm room at a Michigan Avenue tourist shop.“
Read More“For a smaller pothole, we have refrigerated inlays that will house beverages like White Claws and Old Style. Larger potholes can provide small, intimate spaces for members of the community to gather and watch the big game or enjoy more White Claws.
Read More“I have a Nobel Prize in Physics and the only thing the students need to get out of this class is just a few of Newton’s laws, but they won’t listen to me because I’m not a TikTok or whatever,” Professor Carney said over the faint sounds of the Bill Nye theme song.
Read More“It viciously nipped at me before taking off and dumping a huge, watery shit on my windshield.”
Read More“There hasn’t been a new microbrewery opening in Logan Square since last week, so this was needed.”
Read More“Lincoln Park Towing would be using their entire fleet of trucks, and extensive access to parking lots on the outskirts of the city to safely store cars until the owners need them back.“
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"I am here," it declared in a powerful voice that summoned the very winds of Lake Michigan. "Stop your car, there are people crossing the street," the beacon commanded in a Studs Terkel voice.
Read More“Listen up, worms,” Martinez barked at the 8-to-11-year-old girls assembled in the Rainbow Reading Room of Waters Elementary. “We’ve got a city full of dazed idiots with the munchies, and we are going to cram their gaping maws with sugar like only we can.”
Read MoreMcHenry, a graduate of The Annoyance training center, thought his collaborators Tim Faulkner and Chris Hazelwood were doing the “gift car” form when they walked into the Chase Bank in Lakeview and forced a bank teller to give them over $35,000 at gunpoint.
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