“While we are proud of our commitment to pedestrians, the one-dimensional flavor profile of the calcium chloride was not meeting our standards.”
“This is the 6th consecutive year that Illinois has lost population, but I say good riddance. There’s too much traffic on the Edens anyway.”
Read More“Totally all us. And we are in no way sorry about it. Actually, you all should be thanking us. You’re outside, not miserable, and it’s January. Yeah, you’re welcome, Chicago.”
Read MoreI actually give him credit for somehow staying within the bus lane."
Read More“If you were wondering, I just started dating Sarah last week. It’s cuffing season, what do you expect?”
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He’s mentioned it in the past but hasn’t really followed through. "This year is going to be different," he said, "There comes a time in a wiener's life when Sport Peppers, Pickles, Tomatoes, Mustard, Celery Salt, Onions, Neon Relish, and Poppy Seed Buns just aren’t enough.”
Read More8.) Stop feeding the rats that live under The Bean.
Read More“My single greatest concern is that I’ll accidentally buy a pony Ashalee already has.”
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"We will be issuing discounted tickets to passengers who have been dismembered or maimed by the ongoing battle although we discourage involvement. Please attempt to stay within the designated demilitarized zone of the Brown Line above Sedgwick.”
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“Faithful supplicants from throughout Chicago gave thanks to the great Authority of Transit for the annual gift of light and heat.”
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The report also confirms that the incidents were caused by one of the gods, like P’thuchuaa the God of Half-inflated Mylar Balloons or Oooooot the God of delayed Blue Line trains, as opposed to just plain ol' butterfingers.
Read MoreAt press time, drivers all over the city announced they will continue to ignore "NO PARKING" signs for the forseeable future.
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“We're not saying that if you take Fosamax your bones will also last for 67 million years, but we're also not not saying that,” said Merck spokesperson Matt Morgan.
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“Animal drink 19 Yaeger Bombs last night,” said Animal, with his mouth full of Taco Bell. “Animal smash face through drum set. Animal 50 feet tall and Animal didn’t fit in Uber. Animal walk 4 hours back to city. Animal want go home.”
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After a city-wide vote, the mounds of thinly sliced roast beef, italian sausage, and giardiniera peppers on a thick italian bun dipped in meat drippings have been given the names Chance on-a-Wrapper, and Lori Light-on-the-gravy.
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"I thought, 'Do I look like a fucking tourist?' But I took a deep breath, remembered nothing should overpower pride of place, and simply said, 'Give me 3 with everything - including the hot peppers."
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“Most of the show's budget so far has gone into an extensive legal team they are keeping on retainer.“
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“Is that place still open?” asked AJ Brandt, who has lived above the bar for the last three years.
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"We haven't updated a damn thing,” said general contractor Pete Borisson. "But we have put down masking tape labeling the new 'living districts' of the old supermarket. We'll be billing for that."
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