4. Meet up with friends in the beginning of the day, and then never see them again!
Read More“Yeah, I’m going to go home and change my clothes, but you know I’m going to go to get right back on my Divvy bike to get back to the office,” said Peterson.
Read MoreHe also informed the Machine that while they will be providing masks and hand sanitizer, he encourages restaurant-goers to bring their own sleeping bags and enough entertainment to last the 14 days.
Read MoreNumber 6 will surely infuriate your roommate!
Read More“In this climate, it just doesn’t make sense for us to continue honoring such a violent creature. Who knows how many innocent Edmontosauruses, Anatosaureses, and Triceratops, could have lost their lives at Sue’s diminutive hands?”
Read More“Lost all these games due to covid, but to be honest, we had a lot of fireworks left over from the 2019 season,” said Guaranteed Rate Field maintenance worker, Carl Fisker. “Really thought Yolmer Sanchez would have a better year.”
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7:34 AM, January 30th, Brown Line: a commute to work, or a commute to destiny?
Read MoreOther sources of mother-daughter friction include admonishments to wear a sweater in the harsh Chicago cold, why don’t Lightfoot and First Lady Amy Eshleman come to visit more often, and just what the Mayor plans to do about getting Chicago Police out of the public schools.
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“As cases piled up around the world this winter, I knew it was my responsibility to make sure we were so far out of playoff contention, that any dangerous plans to return to a potentially interrupted season would not include us.”
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“Crowds will be discouraged from gathering around, but it will be broadcast on the Marquee Network, if you can find it.”
Read More“I just want a grilled cheese.” said Oliver Achatz, Grant’s youngest son. “I mean, I liked the Swedish prawn consomme with dehydrated oysters from Alinea’s menu, but sometimes I just want something more normal.”
Read More“Items on the menu include Curtis ConWings, cheesecake with a Jeff Graham Cracker crust, and The William Perry: a 2.6-cubic foot mini fridge filled with boneless wings, smothered in house gravy.“
Read More“Anyway, LET”S TALK TRAVEL. I woke up in Chicago today so we’ll start there. HERE ARE THE 5 BEST SPOTS IN THE CITY TO FIGHT PEOPLE. FUCK YEAH, BRO. FUCK. YEAH.”
Read MoreThe Chicago Department of Transportation encourages those who see potholes to report them by continuing to mutter the complaint under your breath in frustration.
Read MorePollution is so, so wrong, but it seems like global warming will continue to make Chicago hot and bothered for years to come, slowly and sensually stripping down the ozone layer until Cook County just cannot take it anymore.
Read MoreWhen reached for comment, Josh said he’d be available between 11AM and 4PM on Thursday, weather permitting.
Read More“One weekend ya think, ‘I’m tired. I’m just gonna veg out and watch TV.’ Then, BAM, 72 hours later and your DNA is taking on a lot more cotton than it used to. Katie should consider herself lucky. I saw a guy who fused with Stewie from Family Guy-themed sweatpants. Yeesh.”
Read More“As it turns out, after having sex, a worker’s productivity doubles over the next hour. We’re coining the term ‘re-productivity’.”
Read More“I was walking my dog on Addison, and in the distance I heard that dumb LMFAO song. That's when I caught a whiff of Axe body spray.”
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