The Chicago Machine's Guide to Making Digital Lollapalooza Exactly Like the Real Thing

By Ari Loundy

Due to COVID-19, Lollapalooza has moved entirely online this year, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give yourself the full experience. While you may not have access to a multi-million dollar sound system, a plethora of classic (if overpriced) Chicago restaurants, or 15000 high schoolers from Evanston, here are 10 tips on how to have the most authentic Lollapalooza experience possible.

1. Bury vodka in the yard, dig it up and burn a $10 every time you take a shot

For bonus points, pick the cheapest vodka available, throw in some warm mixers, and make it just not strong enough to be satisfying.

2. Sit in front of your oven while watching until you have 3rd degree burns everywhere

No matter the weather outside, you can recreate August in Chicago with only a minor increase to your gas bill. For a really authentic experience, flip a coin every few hours, and on tails, relocate to the shower.

3. Crush up an Ecstacy, Adderall, Aspirin, Pepto and an Altoid and snort it to see what happens

You know that’s probably what that guy under the Washington/Wabash station sold you last year.

4. Meet up with friends in the beginning of the day, and then never see them again

Every couple hours, give them a call, scream, “What!?” and then say “I’ll meet you at Perry’s” before hanging up.

5. Call your 13 year old cousin, ask her, “Hey, what happened between you and Samantha?” and then play the response in the background of The Lumineers’ set.

Buckle up, though, because it’ll be a long story, and contain a lot of words you that just don’t sound real and make you question the younger generations.

6. Take an out-of-focus selfie in front of a spraying sink in your bathroom

If you squint hard enough, it’ll look just like Buckingham fountain.

7. Pull out your headphones just enough until you can only hear the music, and not the vocals.

This works best if you’ve also turned the volume up about 8 notches too high.

8. Show up 2 hours before the live streams start, and 1 hour before your favorite set and stare at a blank screen for a preferred spot next to the rail

Because it’s totally worth it to wait for an hour to be that much closer to Louis the Child when they perform. For the full front row experience, watch this set in your not-quite-big-enough closet.

9. Don’t sit down. Ever!

To incentive yourself (and add to the realism), coat every flat surface with mysterious, foul smelling liquid.

10. Give the contents of your wallet to various people around Downtown Chicago

If you were smart, you’d have taken anything valuable out before you left, but you’re trying to recreate the Lollapalooza experience, so you know you didn’t.

We hope that our tips will let you have the most authentic digital Lollapalooza that will leave you hungover and with heat stroke for at least 3 days afterwards. Once it’s over, it’s time to pick up some thick glasses and weird weed to have the most authentic digital Pitchfork in 3 weeks.