Lincoln Park Woman Fuses with Pajamas

By Meghan Ford

CHICAGO, IL - After 26 days in isolation, and a full 3-days rotting on the couch, Lincoln Park resident Katie Marshall completely fused with her red and white-striped pajamas. 

“I didn't think this was possible,” stated Katie through a Doom video conference with a Machine reporter. “I am now one with my pajamas. Well, we are now one.”

“Ya hate to see it, but I’ll be honest with ya, it happens all the time,” Fabric Biologist at The University of Chicago, Dr. Steve Patel stated in response. “One weekend ya think, ‘I’m tired. I’m just gonna veg out and watch TV.’ Then, BAM, 72 hours later and your DNA is taking on a lot more cotton than it used to. Katie should consider herself lucky. I saw a guy who fused with Stewie from Family Guy-themed sweatpants. Yeesh.” 

Dr. Patel has headed the Department of Human Fuses at University of Chicago for the past 25 years, but he said this year is the busiest they’ve ever been. “We’re working around the clock. Just last week a gal up in Rogers Park fused with her easy-chair AND a Nintendo Switch. That one was a doozy.”

Katie stated she’s trying to resume her normal life, and make the best out of a difficult situation. “I know I’ll always be dressed for Christmas. I know I can never wear a dress without looking like a trustafarian circa 2006. But, at least I’m comfy.”