Chicago Area Internet Outages Caused By Josh

By Mark Rosenthal

CHICAGO, IL - According to a new report by Xfinity, the rolling internet outages plaguing Chicago these last few weeks can all be traced back to Lincoln Square resident Josh. 

“This guy, who lives alone, has somehow managed to use over 200 terabytes of data since the start of the month,” said Xfinity Data Representative Dana Schierholz.  “Our system keeps crashing from the stress. We’ve tried calling for help, but we can’t get through to a representative.”

With Chicagoans using more internet than usual due to the continued shelter-in-place order, it was expected that service may be interrupted more than usual. Nobody expected rolling outages lasting hours at a time. 

“Have you seen this report? It’s insane. Last Monday, Josh ran a Zoom meeting from 9:45 AM until midnight. Not to mention streaming *Next Generation* on one TV, *DS9* on another, and *Enterprise* on his phone. What kind of maniac skips *Voyager* like that?” ranted Xfinity customer Phillip Thurston. “Honestly, the spookiest part is that none of it is porn. Unless he’s jacking it to the 18 hours of *Animal Crossing* he’s playing. I mean, he skipped *Voyager*, so probably, right? What an asshole.”

When reached for comment, Josh said he’d be available between 11AM and 4PM on Thursday, weather permitting.