REPORT: More Chicagoans Having Sex at Work than Ever Before

By Tina Quarles

CHICAGO, IL - After a rough first month, Chicago’s workers are finally settling into this new lifestyle and engaging in other office activities. Now that employees are sharing workspaces and living quarters, Chicagoans are having on-the-clock sex more than ever before.

"Office sex is a longstanding morale booster,” said a CEO who asked to remain anonymous. He continued, "We were worried that during this shut down productivity would take a downturn, but quite the opposite has happened. As it turns out, after having office sex, a worker's productivity doubles over the next hour. We're coining the term 're-productivity'."

A local consultant has reported that since he started working from home he’s having sex at the office nearly twice as much as he was before. Apparently you can hit deadlines and hit it from the back at the same time. 

"You wouldn't believe the innovations that come about when you lock everyone inside their homes." Said Mid-Level Manager, Carl Stortz. "Jim from accounting has developed an entirely new product tracking system that increases sales 30%, and Bernadette in sales invented a new position called the 'Standing Desk'. She's even talking about writing a 'Quaran-Sutra’.

Companies are catching on, and are trying to encourage employees to keep up these productivity boosting adjustments when they return to the office. Many will consider removing dress codes altogether, bulk-purchasing white noise machines, and replacing cubicle windows and openings with frosted glass.