The Top 5 Spots in Chicago to Fight People According to a Coked up Rick Steves

By Rick Steves (Jonah Nink)

Editor's note: The following was written on a bloody Al’s Beef wrapper found inside of our office mailbox.  

Buenos dias, LIMPDICKS! Rick Steves here, and boy do I feel GOOD. Real GOOD. Like, hold up a liquor store with a broken glass bottle GOOD.  For legal reasons I won’t disclose why, but let’s just say that it rhymes with “shmwelve day cocaine bender.” Anyway, LET”S TALK TRAVEL. I woke up in Chicago today so we’ll start there. HERE ARE THE 5 BEST SPOTS IN THE CITY TO FIGHT PEOPLE. FUCK YEAH, BRO. FUCK. YEAH.

5. Navy Pier 

Originally constructed 1916, Chicago’s historic Navy Pier offers a multitude of shops, restaurants and theaters. However, Navy Pier’s real highlight is its signature Ferris Wheel, which adds some festive flair to the scenic lake michigan coastline. I also like the ferris wheel because it’s SO FUCKING HUGE, BRO. FUCKING GIGANTIC! I want to CLIMB that SHIT. I don’t care how MANY BUBBA GUMP SHRIMP WAITERS HAVE TO HOLD ME DOWN I WILL SEE THIS THROUGH.

4. The Shedd Aquarium. 

For over 90 years, Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium has given visitors a chance to meet some of the world’s most fascinating and captivating aquatic wildlife. One of the aquarium’s main attractions is its daily dolphin shows, which dazzle visitors with a unique performance from its marine mammal stars. I don’t go to them though. Why? Because I don’t need some SMUG FUCKING DOLPHIN to mock me with his SMUG FUCKING DOLPHIN FACE. He’s eyeing my funky powder stash well guess what you CAN”T HAVE IT, DOLPHIN. It’s also hard to go now because I was banned.

3. The Second City

John Belushi. Bill Murray. Gilda Radner. These are just a few of the comedy legends that got their start at Chicago’s famous Second City. They are also all people I would very much like to FIGHT. Seriously, Second City is the fucking TITS, bro. I got all the time even though I got banned from there too. The little improv nerd says “I need an object and a location” and my response is always “MY FIST AND YOUR GODDAMN FACE.”

2. Those Dumbass Ass Millenium Park Faces That Spit the Water at You 

Finally, a landmark that isn’t afraid to FIGHT BACK. Words cannot express the joy I felt when the giant face I was punching came to life and vomited sewer water on me. IT FELT JUST LIKE THE 80s. Finally, a monument I can RESPECT. FUCK THE HAGUE. 

1. EVERYWHERE.

RICK ANGRY