“One weekend ya think, ‘I’m tired. I’m just gonna veg out and watch TV.’ Then, BAM, 72 hours later and your DNA is taking on a lot more cotton than it used to. Katie should consider herself lucky. I saw a guy who fused with Stewie from Family Guy-themed sweatpants. Yeesh.”
Read More“As it turns out, after having sex, a worker’s productivity doubles over the next hour. We’re coining the term ‘re-productivity’.”
Read More“I was walking my dog on Addison, and in the distance I heard that dumb LMFAO song. That's when I caught a whiff of Axe body spray.”
Read MoreOn top of the slowly building coronavirus cases, the staff has also had to deal with more than 120 romantic affairs, many of which involving couples where both partners were working in the hospital.
Read More“I’m calling on Jesse White and his mystical tumblers to begin flipping at least six feet above people’s heads. At the very least, it will look pretty sick.”
Read More“Our professor did her best to ward off the Murrays, but I knew it was all over when Bill started singing the Star Wars song from SNL.”
Read MoreEven after the virus has been cured, Curtis already claims he’s going to still get beef delivered at 3 a.m., just in case it comes back.
Read More“This is an unprecedented situation we find ourselves in, and since I only wear these vests once before I toss them in the Vest Pit, it was the least I could do.”
Read More“I may be the the mayor, but he is the most powerful man in the whole city.”
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“This is nonsense! You’re not asking the figures in A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte to evacuate, and they’re practically on top of each other!
Read MoreChicagoans were excited for the reversed stance. Governor Pritzker did, however, give advice to at least use a little less toilet paper to "make it easier on the pipes."
Read More"We ran out of gas long ago, we're subject to the river's will, and our only chance of survival is the generosity or carelessness of passers by on the bridges above," said passenger Brittany Orland, as she reached out off of the side of the boat to catch a fallen pint of Ben & Jerry's from the Lyric Opera Bridge.
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1. Decorations! To pack your event with the drama it deserves, ask your doctor to seal the results in a festive balloon filled with confetti and a fine white powder that may or may not contain a lethal dose of COVID-19.
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“Falling asleep to the sweet sounds of cursing and verbal abuse take me back to the days of trying to go to sleep when my parents were getting divorced downstairs in my kitchen.”
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A clear upgrade from the previous menu that offered no food options, Emporium now allows hungry patrons to pair a cold sippy cup of milk with their choice from a smorgasbord of new bites including peeled grapes and Ziploc baggies filled with Cheez-Its.
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“His violent hacking and wheezy vocals symbolize society’s struggle to speak up about global issues that really matter… inspiring, right?”
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“Spraying sideways happens to plenty of individuals every year and it’s a telltale sign of a UTI, but we haven’t seen this happen to an overlooked tourist attraction before,” said Mark Jones, President of the American Urological Foundation.
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Most, if not all of these items may be found at your local Target. If you can’t find them on the shelves, they’ll surely have everything in the warehouse, so don’t hesitate to ask an employee if they have any Tom Skilling scarecrows in stock.
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Hundreds of patrons filled the plaza as the offender sat criss-cross applesauce on the icy ground wearing a 3-foot tall dunce cap made from used Dunkin’ bagel bags that still smelled of expired cream cheese.
Read More“That includes giving up your seat to SWAT team members who may have trouble standing on their own, they’re there for your protection.”
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